Dear Martha: different options for my kids

by MARTHA

Dear Martha,

My husband and I just celebrated our 25th anniversary. Like any marriage, there have been some bumps in the road, but we love each other and our children. I married my husband three months after my nineteen birthday. I was a teenage bride.

My children are growing up. They are dating. They are getting ready for college. I do not want them to get married as young as I did. Now that I am older, I see so many other options available to them. Don’t get me wrong, I want them to be married and I want them to have children. Those have been the greatest joys of my life. But, does it have to happen so early in their lives?

Of course, I am having a hard time reconciling any physical relationship they may have outside of marriage. I don’t know how to handle this topic. I guess I’m a hypocrite.

Tell me what to do.

Sincerely,

The Hypocrite Bride

Dear Hypocrite Bride,

Having conflicting feelings regarding morality is not hypocritical, it’s human. Right and wrong are not always crystal clear or permanent. Never apologize for being self-aware and investigating your beliefs. If you are willing to change your mind about your beliefs, then you are not devoted to following the rules for the sake of obedience, but because they are true to you.

It follows that as a result, there is going to be a lot of gray area to swim around in. Usually, swimming is refreshing and invigorating. This swimming is going to be scary and uncomfortable. The best thing you can do for your own happiness is accept that fear, discomfort, and pain are inevitable in this life. The best thing you can do for your own anxiety is to learn to sit quietly next to these feelings, again acknowledging them, and simply exist in their presence.

I would tell your children exactly what you wrote to me. Tell them you don’t want them to get married as young as you did, that it’s ok for them to wait, and that you might have a hard time reconciling any physical relationship they may have in the meantime. Let them know you’re struggling with it. Describe to them how your marriage and children have been the greatest joys in your life. Let them see your vulnerable side, and they will love you even more for it.

Sometimes cultural conventions can feel like a railroad track we are stuck on. Perhaps it would be helpful to describe to them how their possibilities are infinite. I think most adults, even those following the railroad track, would say their lives did not turn out how they thought they would. As their mother, you want to guide them. Show them your map and how many detours you took, and where the wilderness is, and which hiking trails through that wilderness are the best. Show them the lakes, and rivers, and mountain peaks. Show them the long way.

It reminds me of the Faces song: “I wish that I knew what I know now, when I was younger.”

Yours respectfully,

Martha

If you have a question you’d like Martha to answer, please email it to DearMartha@theUtahBee.com. To read past advice from Martha go here.