Dear Martha: co-dependence

by MARTHA

Dear Martha,

Forgive me, Martha, for I have sinned. I have continued a cycle to which I am a glutton for punishment. For the umpteenth again.

See, I have this “friend” that I go to whenever I think I need to hear it bluntly, but am now starting to realize they may just be kind of ... mean. I never leave our conversations feeling better, relieved, or resolved in any way. Rather, I feel like I’ve been punched in the proverbial gut and played.

So, I guess my question is: Why do I keep doing it? Am I really thinking that this person will ever change and give my feelings the time of day or is there something inside of me that likes the constant beratement?

Can you help me change my gluttonous ways?

Sincerely,

In It To Sin It

Dear In It To Sin It,

You needn’t ask me for forgiveness. It sounds to me like you owe yourself an apology. I think nearly every person I've ever met could benefit from showing themselves some kindness. You are lost in a sea of self-doubt. Stop for just a moment, look up at the sky, close your eyes, take a breath, and imagine something that feels like kindness, soft and warm.

Ok, now from that soft and warm place tell yourself, "Dear In It To Sin It, listen closely." Tell yourself that you alone are accountable for your behavior, your validation, and your life. Do not give this mean friend the power or opportunity to affect your identity. You don't need them to tell it to you straight. You know your truth. Do not defer to someone else to make sure you're seeing clearly. If, like many of us, you have trouble sorting through the chaos and confusion inside your own head, find a therapist. A therapist will not take over the job of telling it like it is, but rather hold a mirror up for you to see yourself. Don't confuse any advice with that mirror, even if it’s coming from your favorite advice columnist.

There is a dynamic at play here that feels really good while you're lost at sea. You soak in that self-doubt for a while and, panicked, turn to someone who will validate all the bad things you've told yourself. "A-HA! See! I was RIGHT! I am an unlovable, boring person. My feelings don't actually matter! I knew it." Then you feel a warped relief akin to confessing your sins. This dynamic will never stop feeling good, in a masochistic way. As my therapist would say, you wouldn't continue doing it if you didn't get something out of it. Perhaps it won't feel as good if you admit this to yourself.

Enough about you—let's talk about your friend. That's not quite the right word... Let's call them Captain Criticism. Captain Criticism will never change their ways. No one wants to be demoted from Captain Criticism to Officer Advice or Third Rate Mate. The Captain is lovingthis dynamic. Loving it. The Captain gets to sharpen their knives and see how much they can get away with. The Captain gets to soak in superiority. Wouldn't it feel really good to take that away from the Captain? Don't you want to rip that smirk right off their face? I tend to take these metaphors too far. Let's keep going. My advice is to sneak off the ship with only your necessities—and maybe the Captain's dumb hat—and hijack the life boat. Don't leave a note. Don't say goodbye. And don't feel one ounce of regret. Leave in the middle of the night and never look back.

Being kind to yourself is an act of bravery. Be brave. Trust yourself. Forgive yourself. Find friends who will be your lighthouse, not lose you at sea. Find your mirror. Look in it every day and say, "I was wrong. I am a lovable, amazingly interesting person. My feelings matter. Now I know."

Yours respectfully,

Martha

If you have a question you’d like Martha to answer, please email it to DearMartha@theUtahBee.com. To read past advice from Martha go here.