Dear Martha: do I keep my mom's secret?

by MARTHA

Dear Martha:

My question might sound made up, but I swear it’s true. I am the oldest child in a family of five. We look like the ideal Utah family and, to be honest, I always thought we were.

But, two days ago my mom came to me wanting to talk. She looked like she might faint. Then, she dropped the bomb. She told me that my dad—at least the man I have always assumed was my dad—is not my dad. Early in their marriage, I guess my parents had kind of a rocky time and she had an affair. They reconciled, but she was pregnant from the other man. She never told my dad, me, or anyone.

But, a couple of months ago, my biological father contacted my mom and said he wants a relationship with his daughter (me). In fact, he has seen me or something, nothing weird, but he knows what I look like, and a little about me, and wants to have a father-daughter relationship of some kind. My mom says he’s an OK guy.

This is all so weird! My mom says I have to meet him because, if I don’t, he will barge into our lives and tell the whole story. Obviously, my mom doesn’t want the affair and everything to come out, but how am I supposed to do this without everyone knowing? What should I tell my mom? What should I tell my dad? And my other dad? I feel like I’ve been living a lie. Help!

Signed,

Desperate Daughter

Dear Desperate Daughter,

This is the dooziest doozy of a question I’ve ever had the privilege of answering! News like this will turn your world upside-down. Don’t forget to take care of yourself through this journey. I advise asking your mom to help you find a therapist. I know this might seem like a big, scary thing, but I swear, hand on my heart, that a good therapist will be an asset. This experience might have negative side effects. You might find yourself trusting people less or feeling like you’re not standing on solid ground. A therapist will help guide you through these changes.

As far as your family dynamic at the moment, my advice would be to bring everything to the surface. Dishonesty made this mess. Maybe honesty can clean it up. Ask your mother to stop keeping these secrets. It will be hard to endure the fall-out of so much shocking honesty, but I believe it will help you all heal. You can’t treat a wound that you are denying is there.

As much as I might disagree with your mother’s decision to keep it a secret, I also recognize that she was in a difficult position and I can’t say with certainty what I would do if I were in her shoes. We all make mistakes. She was trying to keep her family together—an honorable goal. Sometimes life is confusing like that.

As far as having a relationship with your biological father, that is up to you. Are you comfortable with it? Is it a relationship you could invest in? Really, we know very little about his character at this point. If you do want to spend time with him, make sure he is earning your trust before you give it to him. This is another area a therapist could really help with. If you don’t want a relationship with him, that’s OK too. There is a man in your life you consider your dad. You can draw that line if you want to. Listen to yourself.

I wish you the best of luck on this quest, young traveler. Stay strong. I have faith in you.

Yours respectfully,

Martha

If you have a question you’d like Martha to answer, please email it to DearMartha@theUtahBee.com. To read past advice from Martha go here.