Dear Martha: am I a good mother?

by MARTHA

Dear Martha,

My friend and I each have 6th graders. They are the oldest children in our families. As our kids entered 6th grade, they were each asked to pick one class elective (music). My daughter chose band, she wants to play the trombone. My friend’s son is in the choir. Right now, we’re having a difference in parenting perspectives. When my daughter came to me with the form to choose her music class, I signed the empty form and handed it back to her. I told her whatever choice she made, I would support. My friend was at my house and watched this interaction with judgement. When my daughter left, I asked my friend what was up. She was horrified that I was being so lax in my parental responsibilities.

She told me that when her son brought his form home the day before, she took it, thought through the night about what music class would be best for him, filled out the form, and put it in his backpack. She believes she is the better mother. She says our kids are too young to make these kinds of decisions. She also, reluctantly, told me that her son asked if he could be in the orchestra, to learn cello. But, she decided that no one knows her son better than she does, and that choir will be a better fit for him.

So here is my question, am I not fulfilling my motherly duty? Should I be making these decisions for my daughter? At what point is a child old enough to decide for her or himself? Will I be expected to pick all her classes in high school or college?

Sincerely,

Hands-off Mom

Dear Hands-off Mom,

My nephew does NOT like to eat. Sit him down to eat at the dinner table and the kid looks like he’s being tortured. His parents tried everything. They read up on it, used every tip and trick, and exercised endless patience. He still doesn’t eat well. You want to tell me that his parents aren’t good at parenting? Of course not! My nephew is one of the best humans on the planet! The point is there are no hard and fast rules. There are no immutable truths. There isn’t even a clear way of knowing if you are doing the right thing.

Which is whyyyyyy you have to throw away your measuring stick. Of course, there are very general parenting dos and don’ts (which even vary from generation to generation or culture to culture). But, get down to the details, the nitty-gritty, and things are more nuanced. Think about the galaxy that is your child. Now remember that every child, every adult, every person, is their own complicated and infinite galaxy. Can you make rules that successfully apply to all of those galaxies? No. What is right for one kid might be wrong for another.

You are fulfilling your motherly duty. You love and care for your child. You are encouraging her to express herself creatively with the trombone. You trust her to choose. Your friend likes to control more of the details. That’s her prerogative. You simply have different parenting styles. One style is not superior to the other.

If you and your daughter were in an endless struggle, I might suggest taking a different approach or trying something new. But, your letter doesn’t tell me that there is that kind of conflict. If your hands-off approach is working for you, and your daughter, don’t second-guess yourself. You get to mother her in whatever way feels right to you.

Furthermore, mothers! Let’s stop judging each other. I know sometimes the criticism comes from a place of good intentions, but it does much more harm than good. It’s OK to do things differently, or to approach parenting with a different philosophy. Instead of criticizing, let’s listen to each other and offer support. Let’s learn from each other. Being a mother can be a lonely and back-breaking endeavor. We need each other.

Mothers of the world UNITE!

Yours respectfully,

Martha

If you have a question you’d like Martha to answer, please email it to DearMartha@theUtahBee.com. To read past advice from Martha go here.