Dear Martha: I witnessed physical violence
by MARTHA
Martha,
10 years ago, my brother married my best friend. We’re close. We tell each other everything. I love them to death and would do anything for their success. But, last week as, I was pulling up to their house, I saw him turn physically violent. I know I have to do something, but I’m not sure what to do.
ANY advice is needed and appreciated,Summit County Sister
Dear Summit County Sister,
Your best friend is in a dangerous situation. Physical abuse can escalate quickly and leaving can feel impossible. I am not an expert on how to deal with abuse. So, I did some digging. This article, from womenshealth.gov, is a good starting point. The suggested course of action is as follows:
Set up a time to talk.
Let her know you’re concerned about her safety.
Be supportive.
Offer specific help.
Don’t place blame, shame, or guilt on her. Don’t say, “You need to leave.”
Help her make a safety plan.
Encourage her to talk to someone who can help.
If she decides to stay, continue to be supportive.
Encourage her to do things outside the relationship.
If she decides to leave, continue to offer help.
Let her know that you will always be there no matter what.
Empathy for someone in an abusive situation can be difficult if you have never been in that position. It is hard to understand why someone doesn’t leave when things turn violent. Psychologically, it’s more complicated than that. Logistically, leaving can be incredibly dangerous, even life-threatening. Maybe you will never fully understand, but you CAN offer the support she desperately needs right now. This is a big job. Be careful and deliberate. Remember that the words you choose matter a great deal. And above all, listen.
The situation is compounded by the abuser being your brother. It makes things for you doubly complicated. If it were me, I would put my friend first. I would concern myself with supporting her and looking out for her safety before broaching the subject with my brother. Again, abuse can escalate quickly. If you witness the abuse again, call 911.
If it’s possible for your friend to get counseling, try to help her do that. Seek counseling yourself. This is a scary and complicated thing you’re dealing with. A professional with training on the subject can help you through better than I can.
In the meantime, care for your friend and yourself. And be careful.
If you or your friend need immediate help, call the National Domestic Abuse Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.
Yours respectfully,
Martha
If you have a question you’d like Martha to answer, please email it to DearMartha@theUtahBee.com. To read past advice from Martha go here.