Dear Martha: I'm an unsupportive sister

by MARTHA

Dear Martha,

How do you be a supportive, yet honest, friend when a loved one is in a relationship you don't support?

For example, my sister recently got back together, and moved in, with her boyfriend of three years. He broke up with her for 3ish months, was intimate with someone else, and bought a house without her. Last week they adopted a dog together. I have avoided talking to my sister because I don't want to be disingenuous in my support of her choices that I don’t agree with. Is this the classic, "If you have nothing nice to say don’t say anything at all”? As her sister, and someone who prides myself in being an honest and open communicator, should I express what I see from an outside perspective even though I know she will be defensive?

This situation has happened to me with friends, too. How do you be fully supportive of someone if you don't support their choice of partner? Is it appropriate to share my thoughts with them or should I just honor and accept their choices?

-A Little Too Honest

Dear A Little Too Honest,

I don’t know what your relationship is like with your sister, but my guess is that your concerns would fall on deaf ears. I think you’re wise to anticipate her defensiveness, and you’re wise for taking the time to consider her feelings before voicing your own. Your heart is in the right place.

I’m really into true crime. Probably lots of women in your life are right now. It’s a phenomenon that I am happy to be a part of. But, one of my biggest pet peeves in the genre is the tendency to make everything a dichotomy. “He’s obviously innocent—the police planted the evidence!” Reasoning like this is flawed. Is it not possible that the police planted evidence and he’s guilty? I’m looking at you, Steven Avery. MY POINT IS can you share your thoughts with them and honor and accept their choices?

We can never know the full story of someone else’s relationship. There are so many nuances and psychological twists and turns. We might have lots of information from the parties involved, but still mischaracterize the nature of the thing. Maybe our characterization is accurate, but the parties involved aren’t wired to make the same decisions you or I would in that situation. Maybe one of the parties is experiencing gaslighting or abuse, and can’t wrap their head around the reality of the situation. We have to remember that we simply can’t fully understand.

Knowing that we don’t know everything is, counterintuitively, part of having accurate empathy. Empathy is often described as putting yourself in someone else’s shoes. But, that metaphor doesn’t take into account the context of the situation and our own blind spots.

I’m not implying that you are wrong about your sister, or your friends and their bad relationships. You might be hitting the nail on the head. If you are right, accept their weaknesses. Support them even if they’re doing it wrong. Support them even if you think their partner is the worst. Forgive them for making mistakes. If you can forgive them for their mistakes, you can forgive yourself for yours. I must sound like a broken record at this point, but I’m saying it again anyway. Be kind to yourself. Be kind to yourself and you will be kind to others. Your life will flourish. And your sister will have a soft place to land if her relationship falls apart.

I think you can voice your concerns in a way that lets her know you care about her and worry about her broken heart, but does not cast judgment or scold. Try something like, “I know you think I don’t approve, but really I’m just concerned. Protective. I love you and don’t want you to get hurt, that’s all. I’ll always be there for you, no matter what.” Maybe support is just what she needs to make the right decision, whatever that may be. Easier said than done, I know. I could take my own advice.

Yours respectfully,

Martha

If you have a question you’d like Martha to answer, please email it to DearMartha@theUtahBee.com. To read past advice from Martha go here.