Ayahuasca: How To Let Go
It was time; I had just chugged this thick, pink-purple brew that almost tasted like sour hibiscus. People smiled curiously at me as I walked back to my mat. No turning back! I sat there patiently awaiting the mind-bending visuals, the profound trauma I would surely revisit, the gut-wrenching purging everyone talked about, and the crying. I was there for it. All of it. Thirty minutes went by…forty…was it working? The next thing I know, the cool tattooed veteran next to me was heaving what sounded like 10 pounds of barf into his bucket. Pretty soon, a symphony of purging was happening all around me. I was sitting there like a lump on a log, actually jealous of those mighty heavers! It was working on everyone but me!
The curanderos started singing and chanting their Icaros, and I was sober as a sinner in Sunday school! I must have done something wrong! I felt ashamed that I wasn’t worthy of the medicine. I had expected all the things and got none-a-the-things. Honestly, I remember saying to myself, as a fully conscious first-timer immersed in the mysterious sounds of the Amazonian jungle in a giant, candlelit Maloka hut, ‘this would be really cool if I were high right now. Oh, you little sinner you, the snarky little angel on my shoulder would assert back in retaliation to my boldness. My mind kept racing and having these conversations in my head. Why wasn’t anything happening for me?! I got a little sweaty, fell asleep, and that was my first ceremony. Cue the defeated cartoon music.
The next day everyone couldn’t wait to hear how the “Mormon girl” did on her journey because, you know, I had that “pure and innocent” body or whatever. I was embarrassed to report that I must be broken. However, as unworthy as I felt, I wasn’t ready to give up. I was given a slightly larger dose that night, and I was ready for round two.
I realized that the night before, I was so in my head about what I thought should happen, I wasn’t actually focusing on what was happening. Maybe my Mormon programming about “drugs'' was so ingrained into my psyche that I was too terrified actually to release and let go the night before. I pulled out my mala beads, which are traditionally used for meditation, to clear my head. As one does with mala beads, I closed my eyes and repeated a single mantra for every bead that my fingers would touch. I chose the mantra “I am safe.” One by one, I slid my fingers to a new bead making my way around the necklace. As I recited these words, I started to feel myself slipping into a state of peace, love, and comfort. It was working!
I was about two and a half full rotations around when I heard a voice in my head say, “Do your chakra clearing meditation now,” to which I responded, “Ok, I will once I finish this round.” Then the very demanding voice asserted, “NO. NOW.” Well, ok then! I tied my usual imaginary vines, which ran out the bottoms of my feet into the core of the Earth and started at the root chakra. It felt very dense and dark. I imagined bright red light filling the space, and suddenly I noticed a physical sensation of heat coming from that area at the base of the spine. No, it wasn’t bean toots from dinner. When I imagined the stagnant energy flowing down the vine and into the Earth, my vine became a snake, a prevalent symbol for Mother Ayahuasca! This was wild for me because I hate snakes and would never conjure this up on my own accord.
As I continued up through the chakras, cleansing and releasing, I noticed a particular pain in my sacral (sex organ chakra), and then I got very emotional when I reached my heart chakra. At my third eye, for the first time ever, I saw this gorgeous purple eye blink open right in front of me as if to say, “Now you are awake!” Our third eye is responsible for introspection, knowledge from within, and higher-self learning. It had seemed that until that point, that I had chosen to shut off my intuition.
Before I knew it, I was deeply enveloped in the medicine and on the journey of a lifetime. One that would help me heal my past but, more importantly, shine a light on who I am as a soul. Who I came here to be and what I came here to do.
Suppose you have looked into Ayahuasca even a little bit. In that case, you have most likely found incredibly uplifting stories of healing and bliss, but also an equal amount (if not more) of scary, complicated, or painful stories. Previously, I had written about hearing and answering the call of Ayahuasca medicine. When you find yourself running into synchronicity after synchronicity which leads you back to this potent brew, it might be time to acknowledge that you are ready. You are ready for transformation, healing, expansion, and learning.
If you’d like to experience the medicine, make sure you find a reputable, authentic, well-intentioned healer who has done the proper dieta and dedicated themselves to the practice. Preferably, find someone in Peru or South America, where the medicine originated. This is because the ceremony is just as much about the sacred ritual and practice as the medicine itself. Maybe even more so. It should not be exploited or simply replicated by someone who hasn’t given of themselves sincerely to becoming a healer with this particular master plant.
I’d also like to emphasize surrender. Surrender was the catalyst that opened the floodgates to my incredible journey that second night. You can go into the experience with preconceived notions, beliefs, research, and expectations (like I did), but plan to let all of that go and surrender—set intentions, not expectations. I intend to let go of pain and suffering, but if I allow the medicine to guide me into a different experience, I will probably get out of it precisely what is needed without feeling let down. If I expect my journey to be just like those I read about, I’m setting myself up to be let down.
This applies to all facets of life, not just plant medicines. I can’t wait to tell you more about my journeys and how much I’ve learned from my experiences. Until next time, follow your highest excitement, be present and be well.