How to Talk to Your Kids About Substances
Alcohol, cannabis, hallucinogens are all topics covered by the Utah Bee. In our very family-centric state, we need to talk about these topics with our kids. Even if you do not partake at all, are new to substances with your views in flux, or you have always been comfortable engaging in substance use, there is only one way to fail at this conversation, and that is by FAILING to have this conversation.
Yet, there are so many parents who don’t know how or when to have this conversation, especially those who have always been sober. So, let me lay out some guidelines that will help, no matter where you stand on substance use.
Start Early and Keep Things Age Appropriate
Introduce your kids to these topics early. Keep your conversations short and add age-appropriate examples. Talk about what the substances are, how they are used by others, and acknowledge that there are healthy ways to use substances. Even if you are sober, you can appreciate that the smartest minds in the world are studying the use of these substances as mental health cures.
When a curious child gets an unrelated tummy ache due to overeating sugar, relate it back to how our bodies can react negatively when we consume an unhealthy amount of a substance.
When your tween sees a report of a high schooler who is suspended from a team for the misuse of a substance, talk about substance misuse again.
Remember, this is not a one-time conversation. You should revisit this topic over time. Continue to give examples and add age-appropriate information as your child grows.
Be Honest
Openly share your views with your child and add (age-appropriate) reasons about how you got there.
If they ask to try something, make it clear what your stance is, but then ask follow-up questions about their curiosity. A fully sober parent might use comments like: “Alcohol is something I never drink, because I don’t believe it is good for my body. What about it appeals to you?” Or “Cannabis should only be taken, if recommended by a doctor. Why do you think you need it?” Or “I don’t know enough about psychedelics to know whether they might harm me. What have you read that makes you ask about it?” Where you land on the topic is far less important than having and expressing a clear stance and then keeping the conversation open, so your child feels safe having the discussion.
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A child showing interest by asking a question is a great sign that it is time to talk about the impact of substances on a developing brain. Regardless of your personal views, teaching your child to look to data to make their own decisions is great parenting. Look at data with your child about the dangers of substances on a developing brain.
Talk about these substances being on the earth and their use throughout history and around the world. If you have chosen not to try substances, you are likely hoping your kids will refrain as well. But that is not something we, as parents, can ultimately control. It is better to acknowledge their use around the world and throughout history, so that you are your child’s first teacher on the topic.
If you have family or friends who partake, don’t hide it from your child. Secrets are poison. And family secrets will poison all your family members. Being able to talk openly about how substances are used by family members allows for another layer of conversation. But don’t use this as an opportunity to throw anyone under the proverbial bus. It is best to remove the emotion and talk about the facts around the substances. Find a way to bring it into the light. Seek and use examples of responsible use: “Did you notice Uncle John and Aunt Adrienne drink wine at dinner? They drink on occasion and use alcohol responsibly.”
Be an Example
Children learn more by watching you than by hearing you. If you have a hidden stash of … anything (chocolate, alcohol, mushrooms), your teenagers know about it. And your tweens probably do, too. If you are telling your child you are sober, you better be 100% sober. Because mixed messages muddy the waters, and you will be teaching your child more about lying, hiding, and shame than anything else.
Teach your children how to consume responsibly. I encouraged abstinence with my teens, but I also knew that they would be exposed to alcohol. So, I made sure they knew what responsible drinking for teens looked like. And I made sure they knew that, if they did drink, they could call me to get them home safely. This did not send mixed messages. My teens clearly knew that I did not want them to consume, but they also knew their safety was far more important to me than the idea of them being 100% sober.
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Remind your kids that all decisions have consequences. As the parent, you should not be immune to consequences, if you make a mistake. If you make a bad decision and are facing a natural consequence, have that conversation with your child too. That will be a big lesson.
Check Your Fear
Protecting your child is a main concern for most parents when it comes to approaching the topic of substances. We don’t know how our child will react to any substance, we don’t know what kinds of detrimental decisions might be made, and we are worried about a child being in harm’s way. These are all legit concerns. But forgo the temptation to lead with fear. A common fear tactic is to say, “Our family has a history of alcoholism and addiction.” Guess what? Every family has people who have those tendencies. But making blanket statements like this is an attempt scare your child, and it will be challenged as he or she grows up. The fear you are trying to instill is rarely as strong as the curiosity or peer pressure.
Resist the urge to shut down the conversation. Even if you are triggered from your own parent’s misuse of substances, keeping the line of communication open is IMPORTANT. You want to communicate to your child that you are up for and open to these conversations. You want them to return to you as they get older and curiosity grows.
Be on Their Team
Remember, no one is a perfect parent. But this is a very important topic that your children will learn about, either from you or from the internet. Do your best to talk with your kids, open the conversations, and be willing to admit when you are unsure about something. It is good parenting to say, “I don’t know the answer to that. Let’s do some research and discover the answer together.” Be a good role model. And let them know that you are a safe place for them to come as they are questioning, curious, or experimenting.
And if you find yourself thinking or trying a version of, “It’s my way or the highway,” note that these are words used in a power struggle. And when caught in a power struggle, you likely are just seeking a “win” over the concept of keeping your kids safe. If the conversation has deteriorated to this point, you are no longer having a “substance” conversation.
If you approach this topic with some confidence, you may be able to instill a responsible mindset into your child. But more importantly, you will give them the tools needed to investigate, research, and make good decisions for themselves on this topic and others you aren’t even thinking about.
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