Ayahuasca: My Conduit For Healing Childhood Trauma
by SHELISE ANN SOLA
Trigger warning: Please be advised that the following article contains mentions of childhood sexual abuse. No specifics will be detailed; however, please put your emotional and mental health first when considering reading on. Thank you.
Welcome back to a continuation of my first impactful journey with Mother Ayahuasca. If you’d like more backstory and context, please visit the following first: Ayahuasca: Origins & Hearing the Call, Ayahuasca: How to Let Go, and Ayahuasca: Accidentally Finding My True Identity.
Reality was distorted. Or maybe this reality I was experiencing was actually reality, and my sober reality was the real distortion. Even though it was difficult to move my heavy arms and legs, I still felt more expanded and at home than I did before the medicine took effect. Halfway sitting up with my back against the exposed wood of the Maloka hut, I managed to pull some blankets on top of my legs. All of us isolated to our mats having our own separate experiences in the darkness of the Amazon Jungle.
After playfully rediscovering my body as a pure energetic vessel, I sat there wondering what was next. As if remembering the reason I came to the jungle, I was suddenly enveloped in this heavy, painstaking, heart-breaking sadness. I broke down. Tears were streaming down my cheeks in amounts I had never experienced before. My empty stomach tightened with each sob as I took the fetal position on my mat.
Only a year prior, I had uncovered memories of childhood sexual abuse. Memories that would’ve happened 20 plus years ago. I had just broken up with a boyfriend of almost 2 years. I moved into a sketchy living situation with a controlling narcissist, found myself in a relationship with an even bigger narcissist. I was forced to move out with only 12 hours notice, became homeless for 2 weeks and then found out I was being cheated on and severely manipulated. This was my rock bottom.
I needed therapy. All the therapy. I needed love, attention, support, someone to talk to, and someone to take away my pain and depression. I heard that Ayahuasca was like seven years of therapy in only a few ceremonies, I was in. A fast track to healing? Let’s do it! I didn’t know, however, how painful and difficult the ceremonies would be.
There I was, experiencing what felt like literally seven years of painstaking therapy sessions rolled into 8 hours. At some point, the gut-wrenching sobs had stopped, but the tears just kept flowing out of my eyes as if separate from my pain. They started to feel like a protective shield that I was creating due to my willingness to surrender and feel through the pain instead of continuing to block it out.
Mother Ayahuasca—the guiding spirit or presence of the plant medicine ceremony—took me into this warm, golden-white light and held me. I heard her say, “You are loved, but more importantly, you ARE love. You are not your trauma; you are not your body, your looks, your imperfections, or your casing. You are so much more than that. You are everything. You are a warrior of light.” More tears took the form of waterfalls down my face as I experienced what unconditional love felt like.
If I hadn’t been aware of the guiding spirit called Mother Ayahuasca, I might have described it as being held by God. Maybe Mother Ayahuasca is an expression of God. I’m only now considering this a possibility since I have had time to think it over. At the moment, I didn’t care who it was. I felt more peaceful and loved than I ever thought was possible.
The warm and fuzzies took a quick turn as I was placed inside the consciousness of my abuser. I started to experience the pain he was experiencing through his own eyes. It had been a year since I had spoken to him. Since he was family, I thought I could keep him involved in my life, but emotionally I just wasn’t ready for that. In those moments, I understood the pain he felt from my absence. I was drenched in sympathy and was able to see an entirely new perspective.
This wasn’t to excuse his behavior. However, I was able to see that I wasn’t the only one who was hurting. I wasn’t the only one having a hard time and going through a night of the soul. I wept for his pain. Thankfully, this montage didn’t last too long. I noticed many times during my ceremony, whenever something felt particularly difficult or too hard, I was moved on to another lesson or emotion to deal with. No matter how emotionally painful it was, it never felt unmanageable.
Next, I saw the image of my womb as if it were a 3D version of an ultrasound monitor. I watched as it flooded with bright, lime green light and beamed so brightly it was almost blinding. Having been exposed to energy work, I knew that green was the color of healing energy and heart chakra energy. Then I saw a beautiful baby curled up in there. At that moment, I realized the message I was being given. My womanhood was not destroyed because of being sexually abused. My womb was healthy and very much capable of producing a child someday.
I didn’t think it was physically possible to cry more tears, but alas, I did. Tears of joy and relief. Tears of gratitude, hope, and peace. I wanted to reach out to one of the two men next to me for extra support. I tried to physically connect and be comforted. Not even seconds after I had those thoughts, I was overwhelmed with the feeling that I didn’t need to reach out because I was already totally and completely connected to everyone. Another wave of peace and comfort rolled over me.
Believe me, when I say, Ayahuasca is truly a conduit to immense healing. It can be challenging, playful, intense, confronting, rough, beautiful, adventurous, out of this world, and completely worth it for those willing to put in the work. It is a journey, experienced differently by each person and even differently in each ceremony. I’m incredibly grateful to have been given a chance for such profound healing and I continue to integrate my experiences long after.
Additional Links & Resources:
RAINN: National Sexual Assault Hotline
Courage 365- Offering live events, online webinars and support