Sexual Ruts
by JEN FISCHER
It is Friday morning, perhaps you wake up and get ready for the day thinking about your standing appointment with your significant other tonight. There is nothing formal about it. This wasn’t even something you two have ever discussed out loud. It is just something you do. This is the night you will return home from work or your various daily activities, grab some dinner, binge a few episodes of the current series you are watching together on Netflix, and then climb into bed, have obligatory sex, perhaps leaving you both physically satisfied, but emotionally wanting, and turn over 10 minutes later to fall asleep, or worse, watch more TV.
If this scenario sounds even remotely familiar, you are not alone. Many people establish sexual patterns. While these patterns fill a basic physiological need, these patterns can often turn into a rut; leaving an empty space that is difficult to recognize and nearly impossible to articulate. This is especially common in long term relationships between partners. It may even manifest outside the relationship in the form of grumpiness and frustration over minor things that would not normally cause those responses.
The traditional and conservative values of much of the Utah population, can be erroneously misinterpreted as an expectation of a sexually antiseptic requirement. That is unfortunate since nobody appreciates a cantankerous and dissatisfied partner, even if said partner may have been physically satisfied. Sexual intimacy between partners, over a period of time, becomes an emotional bond as well as a physical bond. It is not only critical but also healthy to talk with each other openly about sex. The conversation is truly part of the intimacy. It is not easy to even do the deed if you cannot talk about it. This makes it utterly impossible to change the actions surrounding it.
It is difficult to break out of a rut. In fact, sometimes we dig ourselves deeper in an effort to escape. Fret not, there is ample opportunity to change that. The first step is admitting there is a problem. This is the most difficult step since most people assume that if orgasm is achieved, there must not be a problem. Unfortunately, this line of thinking, although common, is a powerful contributor to entrenchment. Do you always have sex in bed and at the same time? Do your sexual encounters with one another always last about the same amount of time? Are you abnormally unpleasant to be around? If you answered yes to even one of these, there is a problem.
It is imperative to be sure all partners are not bringing past issues into the bedroom. Disagreements in relationships happen. Sometimes sex can help act as a catalyst in healing an emotional wound. However, sometimes it can exacerbate the hurt as well. Once again, open communication is key. It is okay, even in Utah, to talk about sex. It is an important part of a relationship and if the goal is a long-term relationship, the rut needs to be addressed.
Once the issue has been identified, then you can begin to explore your options. This can be the fun part. First, get rid of the television in the bedroom. Then, be creative. Be impulsive. Try different times of the day. Try different positions. Bring in toys. Listen to music. Dress for the occasion, or undress for the occasion. Practice spontaneity with location. Talk to each other. Leave a light on or turn a light off, whichever you don’t “normally” do. Role play. Reenact the first time (unless the first time was horrible). Don’t worry about being amazing or perfect or even achieving orgasm every time. Be adventuresome and don’t give up. Change takes time.
If all else fails, find a counselor that both of you can feel comfortable with talking about sex and intimacy. This can facilitate the opening to the conversation that one or the other may be hesitant to have otherwise. Whatever it takes, just keep trying . . . and enjoy the journey.